I have never seen....

As someone with a degree in Film and Television and English (2:1 if anyone's interested), people seem to presume I have seen every critically acclaimed film ever made, and have an in depth knowledge of all 'independent' 'art house' films. HA! 

Here is a list of films which I have seen more than once. Most of these were on purpose. 

The Bratz Movie. More than four times. 

Down With Love. Twice.

Wimbledon. Countless times. (I applaud a tennis themed romantic film made purely on the basis that Love = 0 in tennis.) 

Valentines Day. Three times. 

Meet The Fockers. Five times?

Honey. THOUSANDS OF TIMES. 

Big Daddy. Twice. 

Thirteen Going On Thirty. Not enough times. 

High School Musical. At least four times. 

Here is a list of films I have never seen which makes people want to punch me. 

All the Indiana Jones. 

Shawshank Redemption. 

Schindler's List. 

Spirited Away. (Genuinely haven't seen this because it's the favourite film of someone I didn't like when I was little. I know how to hold a grudge.) 

Forest Gump. (I actually went to the Forest Gump restaurant in California, and had to pretend I understood what was going on. Does he just eat a lot of shrimp? I have no idea.)

The Graduate. 

Kramer vs. Kramer. 

Stand By Me. 

The Big Lebowski. 

Any Kill Bill. 

Taxi Driver. 

The sad thing is I own Kramer vs. Kramer, and my friend lent me Forest Gump, but there was always another option when I went to watch them, usually I got distracted by Clueless or The Notebook. Two of the greatest films ever made, and don't you forget it. 

Please don't hate me. 

I'm sorry. 

If anyone wants to lend me The Graduate I do actually want to see that. 

L x

Top 5 Baking Disasters

After yesterdays chocolate cake 'incident', it got me thinking about the other times I have foolishly thought to myself 'that seems easy' when watching Great British Bake Off or anything on the Good Food Channel. (Thug life). I'm hoping compiling this list will be good for the soul, and also will hopefully make me think twice before taking a whack at a recipe with anything French in the title.

So, here are my Top 5 Baking Disasters. Jesus Christ. 

1. The Brownies. 
I was helping my Granny bake Brownies for some sort of 'Thing' we were having. Me and my sister actually said the other day that a lot of our childhood memories involve being in the back of a car, holding onto cake or sandwiches, hurtling up the M40 to Harrow for some sort of event, where we were told how tall we are by various aunts and cousins. 
Anyway, I was 'helping' and instead of cracking the eggs into the mixture, I instead thought it would make much more sense to crack them onto the worktop, and sort of scrap them into the mixture. I still can't think of any logic to this, and was never asked to help again. I was only five, which is quite a good excuse. 

2. The Shepard's Pie. 
Not technically baking, and by the end of the whole debacle not technically food either. 
It was during Food Tech, and I had decided to make Shepard's Pie, I think for Coeliacs. Anyway, I made everything you were supposed to, getting very smug about how well it was all going, until it came to assembling the bloody thing. For some reason, God knows why, I  put the mashed potato on the bottom and the meat on the top. I was fifteen. I had been having Shepard's Pie all my life. I still don't understand. 
So, tried to sort of reverse it, it didn't work so I just thought well, I'll cook it anyway, and just serve it upside down. No. My poor family, that night they were forced to eat what can only be described as Shepard's Pie Soup.
I'm so sorry. 

3. The Red Velvet Cake. 
What sort of cake recipe wants you to use vinegar? It was awful. So awful, it didn't even make it to the oven. 
To begin with, I had run out of flour, and the only flour left was wholemeal, and I thought, well it's all the same really isn't it (it isn't). I had to sift out the wholemeal bits, which was half the bloody flour in the end, and it was sort of brown because of it being 'healthy', so I overcompensated on the red food dye to make up for it, which made everything smell a bit arsenic-y, and then I couldn't get the lid off the bloody vinegar, and I was supposed to be at my friend's house, and I forgot to turn the oven on, and it all turned a bit like that scene in Bridget Jone's when she's trying to cook dinner for her friends, and makes blue soup. Except in my case, Colin Firth didn't turn up out of the blue and rescue me, the selfish bastard. 
Moral of the story, don't cook anything coloured. 

4. The Lemon Scones. 
I rolled them out into centimetres instead of inches. They were like very, very shit biscuits that didn't taste of lemon because I got bored of zesting. 

5. The Chocolate Whoopee Pies. 
They were supposed to be like a children's version of macaroons, except, for some reason they turned into the size of a small child's face. 
Oh my God, they were like a meal in themselves, I have never in my life had to eat something for desert which was physically heavier than my dinner. It took three marshmallows to sandwich the things together. We kept them in the tin for two weeks, and had to throw them away as, quite rightly, no one ate them. 

I would just like to take this moment to say that I make a very good Victoria Sponge and Millionaire's Shortbread. And I once made fudge. 

Love, L xxx

Wheeeeeere Have You Been?

I'm still alive!!

There have been countless demands for me to start writing again (mostly just my friend Sarah) (Hi Sarah) so as today I have made frankly one of the most disastrous cakes I have ever seen, (chocolate cake which, I don't understand how, is falling apart simply by standing on a plate) I thought I really do need to do something today which, unlike my poor chocolate cake, doesn't fall apart. So blogging is the answer!

Where have I been, no one cries?
Well mostly First Great Western trains to be honest with you, back and forth from 'That London', where I have been working in two very lovely art galleries, blagging my way through talking about art. "It does have a certain something about it, doesn't it?" Is a very good conversation starter if you ever find yourself in such a situation. 
I'm still not quite sure how I ended up in art galleries, I love art and find it all very fascinating (I watch BBC4 programmes on it, pretend I'm clever whilst beating my high score at Doodle Jump), but unfortunately I cannot, for the life of me, draw. 
I did for a very brief five minutes consider doing my art GCSE, but during my decision remembered my art teacher asking me if my drawing of the Queen, was a joke (it wasn't) and where was the real drawing I decided to maybe go down the old Media Studies route instead. 
Or another very embarrassing time, when me and my parents went for a look round my college before I started and found ourselves in a Fine Art introduction, thinking that it was English (I don't know either), we would have got away with it if it wasn't for the Art Teacher asking me what I was studying in Art at the moment. I'm ashamed to say that instead of answering with a well thought out, quick fire lie, we chose instead to run away. True Story. 

So that's where I have been! Running around Art Galleries and the lovely boroughs of Westminster and Camden, mastering the ability to not only be able to tell the difference between a lithograph and a screenprint (oh yes) but I can now also use a drill and spirit level, which, for frankly one of the clumsiest girls in the world is some sort of bloody miracle.

So there you have it, I am going to try to write on this much more often, if only to keep myself entertained

Love, L xxx

(RIP chocolate cake, we could have had some good times)

THE BEST THINGS ABOUT THE NINETINES

I'm sitting next to two people who were born in the 80s. Poor people. This is why the nineties is better than any other decade. 

• LIGHT UP TRAINERS
• LELLY KELLY TRAINERS
• NEIGHBOURS
• ROBOT WARS
• SPICE GIRLS
• OASIS
• BLUR
• PULP
• FUCKING ALL MUSIC
• CBBC
• ARTHUR THE AARDVARK
• FIREMAN SAM
• BYKER GROVE (apart from missing 6 weeks worth for Holy Communion classes)
• GRANGE HILL (apart from missing 6 weeks worth for Conformation classes)
• MOTHERFUCKING POKEMON 
• KATE MOSS
• SAYING 'NOT' AFTER EVERY SENTENCE
• TATTOO CHOKERS
• THE CINDY CAMPER VAN WHICH WAS ALSO A HOUSE I MEAN JESUS CHRIST
• BROOKSIDE
• WHEN BRAD PITT WAS ATTRACTIVE
• RICKY MARTIN
• SCOOTERS
• TAMAGOTCHI
• TFI FIRDAY
• TGI FRIDAYS
• BEN FROM BYKER GROVE
• DAMON ALBARN
• WHEN BOYS HAD THEIR EAR PIERCED 
• JONATHAN CREEK
• WHEN DAVINA MCCALL WASN'T FUCKING EVERYWHERE
• PEGGY MITCHELL'S HAIR
• SATURDAY MORNING TV
• SATURDAY NIGHT TV
• CD ROMS
• PLAYSTATION 1
• GAME BOY COLOUR
• CRASH BANDICOOT 
• HAPPY MEAL TOYS
• SMUFS
• SNORKS
• ANIMAL ARK BOOKS
• JAQUELINE WILSON
• WINDOWS 95
• INFLATABLE BACKPACKS
• INFLATABLE ARMCHAIRS
• INFLATABLE EVERYTHING
• BODY GLITTER

It was awesome. 

Calm down, I'm still here

Oh you poor six people who once read this, I imagine you have been up all night, desperately wondering where I am, you've been handing out pictures of my face with HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL hastily scribbled on in Tipex, you've turned your attics into that scene from the Bletchley Circle, with maps and string and shit, desperately trying to find my whereabouts. I imagine. I hope. 

ANYWAY, don't bloody panic yourselves-I'm still here! At the London Film Museum! As an intern! I answer phones and tell people we're closed! I have extensive knowledge of how to run a cloakroom! I'm really bloody good at putting flowers in the loos for an event! 

It's all quite lovely here really. There are two venues-Covent Garden and County Hall. I like Covent Garden (where I am right now right this second) mainly because it's very close to Wasabi and the man sitting in the flat oposite me is very good looking and we have the same laptop, although I don't think he knows this. And I once saw Justin Lee Collins roaming about outside, the mad bastard. 

I still live in the cultural capital of the universe Reading, so thank God for that. 

So this blog entry will tell you about the fascinating people who I get the train with, even though I think they all hate me because I've started to watch The Fades which contains lots of sex and horror so I think they think I'm some sort of sociopath. 

Still here are the people I get the train with-

THE COOL OLDER MAN WHO DRESSES WELL- not much to say about him except he gets off at Twyford and I think he looks a bit like Adrian Edmonson

THE GIRL WITH AMAZING SHOES- I'm slightly obsessed with her. She has AMAZING shoes, as her name probably suggests. Today she wore like, leopard print ankle boots with gold studs. The other day she wore some amazing spangly high tops. What is her job?? She doesn't get the Bakerloo line. This is all I know. 

THE BEAUTIFUL MAN ON THE BAKERLOO LINE-He once offered me his seat. I said no thank you because I didn't want to look like a dick. I love him. 

THE FIFTY YEAR OLD MAN WHO READS THE HUNGER GAMES-I would really like to think this is just because he wants to bond with his teenager daughter. That would be nice. 

There are some other characters, I am aggressively pursuing friendship with one of them so more on that as it happens. 

Anyway, time to stare at the passers by. Always fun. 

Love, L x

My iPhone is better dressed than me.

The title of this blog entry will probably work quite well for my inevitable memoirs in thirty years time, as I imagine it will still be true then. My iPhone case has bunny ears and a pom pom tail, a look which I can only acceptably sport on Halloween, which is devastating. Today I am wearing summer dress and what I think is a mans cardigan. Sexy. And perfect for a rain sodden September. 

When I wrote for the style section of my university magazine, I had to go around the town hunting out stylish people and taking their photo in a very non perverted way I promise. And they always said 'Oh I just grabbed this dress/top/jumpsuit out of my wardrobe.' And I would think, if I just grabbed something out of my wardrobe I would most likely go out wearing a fancy dress costume or some tea splattered dress with several holes. It takes me a good two days to work on an outfit that makes me look like I've made no effort at all. Me and my friend have always said that if we were boys, we'd be the best dressed boys in the country, which is little comfort when I'm having a breakdown in my wardrobe at 6pm on a Friday night because I have nothing to wear and might as well never set foot outside my house again. 

One of my best friend turned 22 this week, and got a proper grown up job in London which makes me very happy, but annoyed that she is 22. Which is a ridiculous age. It's our 'Friendship Anniversary' soon, it's been ten years, which means it's TIN. Tinned ravioli for our romantic dinner a go go. Considering my lack of clothes I might just come dressed as the tin man for continuity purposes. 

Love, 

L x

Home Birds

Me and my friends who have finished university/who didn't go to university have decided to join forces into some form of non-criminal fighting league called the 'Home Birds'. Essentially we write down different exercise classes in our immediate areas, promise we'll go there forever and ever, where in reality we all know we'll turn up for one class, eat chips from the gym canteen afterwards and never return. If we do return it will only be to eat chips. Although me and my friend are going to Zumba tonight in the local primary school, and thanks to Jamie Oliver there will be no chips there, which is good.

I remember once at primary school when coming back from swimming we stopped at the local McDonalds, and our teachers bought us all chips, which was very kind of them, but ultimately very irresponsible. 

Other activities us Home Birds are planning on include 'Come Dine With Me', 'Book Club' and 'Film Night'. We are now essentially middle aged people in young peoples bodies. I'm a bit fearful of Book Club really, I only read about 30% of my English books at university, and there was a degree involved there. It has just occurred to me that all of these activities will definitely involve wine. So there we are. Middle aged alcoholics who don't fight crime. 

I am being excused from Home Bird activity tomorrow (pasta bake round the lovely Anje's house) because I am volunteering at the Maggie's London Night Hike, I interned there in the events team over the summer, so that should be lovely. I'm taking my back pack to ensure I look extra cool. 

So off I go to find a suitable zumba outfit. I remember once buying neon leg warmers from Claire's Accessories. Awesome. 

Love, 

L x